After a long, exhausting day a few weeks back, I was feeling particularly sinful. I could accurately describe it as at my “wit’s end.” The whole day I dealt with a sick, feverish one-year-old who lived on my hip, all while trying to teach my three-year-old that the world is not hers and that everything is not all about her. Add to that a few nights of short, broken up sleep, and you had yourself one worn out mommy. I was impatient (I snapped at them several times), stressed, and emotionally and physically exhausted.
The worst part was the guilt I felt for feeling this way! Where was my gentle and quiet spirit? If this is so precious to the Lord, then this is what I desire, but on days like that, I feel worlds away from attaining it.
That night after my kids were finally asleep, I opened my Bible with a guilt-stricken heart, feeling like a failure in the most important area of my ministry, parenting. I was disgusted with my lack of patience. I hated to feel that way.
I began to remember why I needed a Savior in the first place. “Did you really die for me? Jesus, did you really give up ruling and reigning in the heavenlies to die for our screw-ups?” At that moment, He opened my heart and I began to give Him my attention and adoration. I opened to Romans 8:48-49, a Scripture I know by heart. “For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” The words struck a chord with me at that moment: I could not be brought away from the love of God that is found in Jesus Christ! Nothing I could do could ever tear me away – I cannot be snatched out of His hand! These precious words became the peace needed to soothe my wretched soul. God IS LOVE, and this Scripture is a perfect example of what that really means. He loved me first, so that means He won’t love me any less on a day where I am feeling spiritually subpar, or on a day when I have “prayed without ceasing” for that matter. He loves me just the same. Jesus. That is why God is love. An elementary lesson, but I obviously needed a reminder.
As I sat down in my bed, grateful for these precious truths, I could not fully wrap my mind around all of it. I still can’t, but I do aspire to spend my life searching the depths of Christ’s love.
By the way, the next day was better with my kids. As Believers we have been given the privilege to repent, get mercy and find grace, and get back up again. Proverbs 24:16 says it well, “For a righteous man may fall seven times and rise again…”
I would also like to add that Connor (my one-year-old) is feeling better and he has detached himself from mommy (for the most part), while Kaelyn is still learning the principle of selflessness. We’ll get there eventually…right?